My Pocket Trigger

Have you ever owned a pair of dark pants that when you put them on, you can see the white that's inside the pockets? I keep putting my hands in my pocket thinking I can push the white back into the pocket itself so it can't be seen. Frustrating. The white is still there. I see it every time I walk by a mirror, a window, my car, or anything else that shows a reflection, I see the white of my pants pocket and no matter what I do, I cannot make the white go away. So I cover it up with a shirt, the one that is so tight I constantly have to pull it down to cover the white pockets.

Managing my weight has been a problem I have had nearly my entire life. When I was younger and more active working on our Dairy Farm, chores took care of it. Now that I work at a computer all day, nothing takes care of it.

I got up this morning after a late night of binging on ice cream, chicken nuggets, chips, and any other food that was lying around the house and said to myself, "It really is time to take a stand against my uncontrollable eating." While I have said this to myself many, many times and even acted upon it once in a while, the result is the same. No matter what I do, the anxiety rises, the habits return, and I end up right back here at 280. Unfortunately, I used to say that about 250.

For 5' 11", 280 pounds represents morbidly obese and I feel it. The embarrassment of being this heavy is perhaps the most painful part. Although the pains in my back, legs, feet and other parts of my body are constant reminders that I am incredibly unhealthy for being 33 years old. The fact that I can't run around with my two kids, don't want to be in pictures with them, and don't want to go outside with them is painful. Knowing that I am robbing them of some great memories is even more painful. Having the run down, low-energy, can't finish anything I start mode hurts me even more. Seeing so many great ideas I have sitting on a table, in a drawer, on a computer, all left unfinished and starting to believe that you can't finish them is even more painful.

Being overweight hurts. It effects more than your physical health. It makes your doubt yourself, it makes you reclusive, it makes you feel unattractive even to those who love you. It paralyzes you, causes you to feel out of control, even makes you feel a little nuts at times. It makes you feel helpless and like you have lost ownership of yourself.

So I will take another stand today. I will focus on not just a goal, but a journey to take me from 280 pounds to 210. I will focus on all of the feelings that each day brings, hopefully using this journal to keep me focused and mindful of my goal.

In the end, when I reach 210, I hope to look back at this post and see that all of that pain has gone away. Only then will I know that I am in control, hopefully once and for all.